Who needs love when you have a pillow and other sexual devices?
by Butthole Jones
Summary: The title says it all ladies and gentlemen.
1. Lily

**No hate guys, just some good ol' fashion smut!**

* * *

Lily had been bored ever since Marshall went back to Minnesota to see his mom after his own father's death.

_Fuck_, she thought. Marshall didn't even give her her daily fuck before he left. It had been several days now, four exactly, since Marshall had given her the big slam-boney. Occasionally Lily had been known to finger herself when Marshall couldn't provide her needs, such as when he had to go on business trips, was sick, or just didn't want to lose 10 pounds from the ridiculously hardcore sex they usually had.

Lily had been sitting at MacLaren's Pub, desperate for a fuck. Sitting across from her was Robin, she greatly wanted to dominate Robin's perfect, round ass. But Lily was not looking for being the penetrator, she wanted to feel her intestines be tickled by a huge rod. She needed a cock, not be the cock.

On the side of Robin was Ted. Ted had always been a great friend to Lily, but Lily knew better than sleeping with Ted. Ted would easily tell Marshall. They were bros. Too much of bros. Once Lily walked in on Marshall smelling Ted's tighty whities. If anything, they've probably fucked. Besides, Lily had seen Ted's cock before. Marshall's tiny flaccid penis was bigger than Ted's completely hard, throbbing cock. His penis would not do.

Lily glanced to the side to see the smooth, rugged Barney Stinson. Barney once gave her the dick. But Lily was heavily drunk, or something. You guys agreed not to tell anyone. But still, Lily also saw his penis before. It was not quite up to par. His was slightly curved too, which is kinda disgusting.

Lily smiled and told everyone she was going home. But little did they know, she was going out to get her some cock.

The orange haired female arrived to a male strip club, but didn't find anyone she though could tame the feisty beast she was .

But then... Lily came up with an idea. An idea almost too dirty for anyone to know. This idea would be kept a secret until death. No one could **ever** know.

Lily arrived to her home her and Marshall had purchased, and closed and locked the door, and every other form of entrance/exit.

She entered the master bedroom, and got a crowbar and opened up a wooden plank from the floor. Underneath said plank was a box. Inside said box was a certain bridal shower present Robin had given her. Yes. The 9 inch vibrator. It was originally 7 inches but Lily went to a store and got it molded to be like Marshall's pecker.

Lily then opened up Marshall's dresser. Taking out a belt, some jeans, a flannel shirt Marshall was known to wear, and then took out a portrait of Marshall Lily kept on her nightstand. Lily then grabbed the body pillow on the bed.

After much work, Lily managed to put Marshall's clothes on the pillow, and placed Marshall's face picture onto the facial area of the big pillow.

Lily grabbed the Marshall dick replica, and tied it around the now Marshpillow's hips, using the belt for strap on use.

The petite female was now excited, she had now made a Marshall, she felt like motherfucking Doctor Frankenstein or something.

Lily ripped her clothes off, making out with Marshall's two dimensional face. She began sucking on the pink cock. God damn she wished it throbbed like the actual Marshall's regularly would. Luckily for Lily, Robin bought one of those fancy vibrators that could squirt out fake semen. This fake semen couldn't impregnate, but it tasted exactly like regular Marshall semen.

Thrusting her head down on the pink, veiny cock, Lily began moaning out gurgled noises. Hot fuck, Lily couldn't take it anymore. She needed to get fucked, NOW.

She ripped off her black lacy thong she had been wearing, and hopped onto the plastic cock replica. The head surpassed her vaginal lips, and before Lily knew it, the cock had been rubbing her G-Spot like it was some kind of G-Spot rubber expert.

Now because Marshpillow couldn't actually fucking move, Lily had to do all the work, which was okay since Marshall was usually lazy half of the times the two would fuck. Lily began bouncing on the vibrator, turning it on for maximum effect. Lily closed her eyes and _shit_, she thought, _this actually feels like fucking Marshall_.

Lily kept this position of bouncing for quite some time, until she began doing the reversal cow girl position, where she began gyrating her hips like some kind of prostitute.

The vibrator seemed to be in sync with Lily, and it squirted out its fake, hot human liquids inside Lily's pussy, just in time for Lily to squirt her real human liquids all over the pillow's jeans.

"Oh... Oh Marsha... no! Oh... Oh M- Oh Mars- Ohhhh oh oh Oh Marsh-... OH MARSHPILLOW!" Lily managed to utter out of her mouth, screaming at the top of her lungs.

Lily began to have multiple orgasms at once, actually it was 18 consecutive orgasms. This was 3 higher than Marshall's personal best.

Ultimately, Lily decided she could fuck herself better than Marshall could.

Lily smiled as she knew what she was going to do until Marshall came back from Minnesota.


	2. Marshall

Marshall had just arrived home from a long and stressful day at work.

"Hey Lily, you ready for a really hard Marshmallow to slambone you?" He used his horny voice, that drove Lily insane.

"Lily?" There was no response, usually Lily was always home before him. God, Marshall was horny as fuck and needed the poontang. He needed to satisfy his needs.

The Minnesota giant arrived in their bedroom and began masturbating. No no, he needed lube on his dry penis otherwise the friction would probably rip his cock of. The lube was kept in the closet.

Marshall opened the closet and reached over or the lube when he noticed something. A pillow. What was this?

Taking the pillow out of the closet, Marshall looked in horror at what he saw. It was a pillow version of himself, sporting a flannel shirt, a picture taped to the center of the pillow, some pants, and a great big cock to complete it.

This would have been seen as some fucked up shit to anyone else, but not Marshall. He looked at his cute face and popped an even harder hard on. Marshall had been known to masturbate to himself in the mirror back when he was a kid.

Now he could actually.. FUCK HIMSELF! None of that masturbating shit, but actually fuck himself.

The only thing better would be if he could somehow clone himself so it wasn't a senseless pillow.

Marshall had tried fucking Lily in the ass on several occasions, but her ass was just way too tight for his huge rode of ham. This pillow would work just fine because you could practically fist this thing with both of Wolverine's hands and it would still be just fine.

Marshall poured the lube on his penis like it was syrup and his penis was a pancake, shit was going down and it was going down fast. But he stopped. He didn't want to just fuck the pillow like that, it wasn't Lily, he couldn't just do that to himsel..a pillow version of himself. Instead he began swatting his penis on his own picture of his face.

The lube made the picture get a little wrinkly but that was fine, Marshall just decided to go down on the dildo of his own penis.

Marshall was a pro at self fellatio but never had he gone down on any other man. Besides Ted of course. But that's another story.

Marshall was gagging and didn't find too much pleasure in this plastic dick. It tastes of.. LILY?! Yes, Lily had fucked this pillow before and it must have been recently, as it still tastes of Lily's poon. Marshall was slightly disgusted because Lily didn't keep her vagina 100% clean, if you know what i mean.

Enough of this foreplay. Marshall wanted the main dish now. He inserted his cock into the pillow opening and began thrusting in and out. The looseness of the pillow was grand compared to Lily's tight vagina. He felt so free.

Usually Marshall would flip Lily over into doggy style cause he didn't like seeing her orgasm faces and all that weird shit she does with her mouth and eyes during their coitus sessions. But with Marshpillow it was different, he looked at Marshall with pride in his eyes, like he was glad he was getting fucked by his human incarnate.

Several hours of this took place, Marshall could go all day with a stud like Marshpillow. They made eye contact 100% of the time of the copulation.

But then Marshall heard the front door open.

"Hey Marshall I'm home!"

No no no. Not now. Not like this! Marshall continued to thrust, he just couldn't help it. Marshpillow was all he ever wanted. All he ever needed.

Lily entered the bedroom and her eyes went wide open, she was witnessing her fiance fucking her fiance in pillow form.

"Marshall! I.. I can explain!"

"Get the fuck outta here Lily, I don't need you anymore. Marshpillow is all I need."

"Marshall! You've grown an attachment with the pillow, you need to stop! How long have you been fucking it?"

"The pillow is not an it! The pillow is a HE! Now get the fuck out of here, I haven't finished." Marshall grunted.

Lily walked to Marshall and placed her hand on his shoulder. Marshall's eyes grew grim and dark.

"You know. My healthy insurance. It's expired." Marshall muttered. "I hope the same for you." Marshall turned around and slashed Lily in the throat with a cleaver he pulled out of nowhere.

"Shit. Now what do I do?" Marshall thought aloud.

He continued to fuck Marshpillow until he finished. He then grabbed Marshpillow and they went in his car, and drove away.

Marshall could no longer live his old life. Not anymore. He was going to start a new life with Marshpillow and nothing would ever get in between them. Ever.


	3. Ted

Lily laid there on the hospital bed, if it wasn't for her loud chewing techniques she'd probably have died from that slash Marshall performed on her.

"Lily, oh my god! What the hell happened?!" Ted was the first one to visit Lily at the hospital.

Lily felt it'd be the easiest to explain to Ted, after all they had been through so much together. Plus Ted and Lily shared one thing no one ever did before: Marshall's penis.

"Well.. Ted, this is gonna sound weird. But while Marshall was in Minnesota I kind of... built a pillow that looks like him so I could fuck myself while he was gone."

"A pillow you say?" Ted's eyes grew a little suspicious, "What do you mean?"

"Well you know, a body pillow, one of Marshall's flannel shirts, a picture of his face.. a strap on..."

"Hold on Lily," Ted said, "I can't write this all down so fast. A body pillow, flannel shirt, Marshall's face, strap on.. anything else?"

"Why are you writing this down Ted?" Lily asked, suspicious.

"Shut up Lily." Ted whispered before knocking Lily into a coma, and walked away.

Ted bought all things required for the recipe of Marshpillow and arrived at his home at once.

Ted followed the instructions precisely, placing a Marshall signature flannel shirt on the body pillow, taping Marshall's face pic to the center of the pillow, and applying the strap on to the cock regions.

"Alright buddy, the last time we fucked we were in college! It has been so long since your cock has been in my anus... let's do this shit!"

Ted immediately jumped on the fake penis, literally. He bought a ladder and climbed up it to jump and land directly on Marshpillow's penis.

"OH FUCK!" The geeky architect screeched to the high heavens. The plastic surely was tickling his intestines, and he enjoyed every second of it.

Ted began riding the penis in some fancy bullriding fashion that only expertise bull riders could pull off. After all, Ted could definitely pull off red cowboy boots, so bull riding stunts were nothing at all compared to that.

But all of a sudden he came up with an idea. Ted ran into the kitchen and got two pepperonis. He applied this to the pillow in a nipple sense, and began licking them as he continues his bull riding fiasco.

All the rubbing of the g-spot in Ted's anus caused Ted to orgasm immediately, all over Marshall's face.

"Better out than in I always say" Ted uttered, and proceeded to have 8 more simultaneous orgasms.

Ted had been rather lonely over the past few years, even when he had a girlfriend. Probably because Ted always deep down inside knew he and Marshall belonged together.

After four more hours of fucking and 18 more orgasms, Ted finally stopped. His ass was now redder than a bloody steak and he proceeded to dump the four buckets of sweat and sperm in the bath tub to perhaps bathe in a later date.

"Marshall I am coming for you." Ted spoke to himself, he then tried walking to the door but collapsed because the fucking as so intense his muscles couldn't function properly.

Ted then continued to live his life as a paraplegic.


End file.
